Tuesday 27 November 2012

Ma and Pa in AustriAAA


I will start by informing you with great enthusiasm that I had my first roast dinner on Wednesday, as it was Thanksgiving and my friend in Amstetten (my only friend.) is American! She came over with a dead chicken in her backpack and then spent a good few minutes rubbing melted butter all over it, into every single nook and cranny. Luck would have it that this girl knows how to roast a bird – it was one of the best roast dinners I’ve ever had. The meat was so delicious and garlicy and moist and YUMMY IN MY TUMMY! We also had homemade stuffing, leeks and carrots, pomegranate (because I couldn’t find the cranberry sauce in Spar, because I don’t know the word for cranberry, but I did find a pomegranate), roast potatoes and grrrrravy. I had three helpings. Then we had apple crumble with ice cream. Then we had buttermilk pie, which is basically a normal pie case filled with a couple of kilos of sugar, butter and buttermilk. Here's a pic:



Kirbee let me keep the carcass. I popped it in the freezer and will boil it at a later date.

I didn’t have time to boil it this weekend, because the PARENTS were here! Upholding a strong family tradition, they missed one of their crossovers and were a teensy bit late, but this didn’t bother me as it just gave me more time to snooze!!! When they arrived I showed them the sights in Amstetten, which took all of four minutes, then we had schnitzel. The best thing about them visiting was I could say things like “oh, I know the best place to get schnitzel.” Little did they know there is only one place! But it made me sound like a genius. Also mother looked extremely impressed whenever I spoke German. Father was less convinced.
“Wow,” he sneered sardonically, after I completed an extremely long and complex telephone call with the car hire company in dialect(!!!) “You’ve learnt to say ‘okay’ and 'super' in a German accent!”
“I think you mean an Austrian accent,” I retorted coolly. The tension was too much for the small hotel room so we retreated to the hire car.

They were both suitably impressed with Melk, and we went inside the catacombs of the abbey and it was very good. The church there looks like somebody ate lots and lots of gold leaf and renaissance art work, then projectile vomited all over the walls and ceilings. In a word, I would call it ‘EXCESSIVE’. In two words, I would call it ‘VERY EXCESSIVE’! But also pretty awesome. The pictures just do NOT do it justice.

Are my parents ghosts!? Mere figments of my imagination!? eek!


This beautiful model is used to hold the lower  jaw and one remaining tooth of one of the abbey's saints.

Stify Melk Church cieling


Then we spoke to a miserable Scrooge of a tourist office representative, who, after much pestering, finally revealed there was a Christmas fair we could go to nearby. This was held in a local castle and was a treasure trove of handmade goods! The locals charged large sums of money for all sorts of strange objects, our favourites were small angels made out of pieces of pasta and entire cribs encapsulated in a walnut shell. It was a marvel of the power of recycling. As I pointed out to the parents over tea and cake, the producers of Blue Peter would have pissed their pants at all the craft activities they could have stolen there! Mother didn’t approve of my turn of phrase, but still whole-heartedly agreed.

Then I took them to that nights Kulturwochen event, which was a local punk-protest-folk-band-thing and they sang some songs and gave me a free sticker! The lyrics were in German, but the music had an upbeat, toe-tapping, head-nodding, shoulder-wiggling tempo that kept all three of us entertained! The name of the band was WOSISIG, check them out on youtube, if you so wish! Most excitingly, the viola player from the ‘troupe’ (as mother would no doubt dub them) plays in the orchestra I’m in! our final performance of the season was on Sunday, it was a roaring success, despite the fact I missed several rather important cymbal-solos due to losing my place in the music. Turns out you cannot translate ‘to lose one’s place in the music’ literally into German, as when I tried to explain to my fellow tub-thumpers what had happened, they were pretty nonplussed. They smiled politely though!

On Monday we ventured in to Vienna. We saw a great deal of Klimt artwork, and also an impressive amount of Klimt memorabilia. The Belvedere art gallery has taken every object known to man, and covered it in Klimt. If this is something you think you’d like, pop over to the museum shop BUT BE PREPARED TO PAY BIG BUCKS. We had lunch in a little cafĂ© that reminded me of my flat INSOFAR AS it was a bit of a time warp. Mother was rather taken with the waiter, mainly because he was wearing a bow tie, but also because he was ‘softly spoken’. I worked out that ‘susserdapfel’ is sweet potato and felt extraordinarily pleased with myself.

There then followed a rather long-winded quest for Christmas markets. I do not know Vienna that well, and I was following shady directions from a teacher friend that I could half remember, and for a while all we could find was some kind of soviet occupation protest (TYPICAL COLLINGSES!! Straight to the soviets! We can’t keep away!!!!) In the end we found a nice market with random things in it, and a stall that sold the sausages that are filled with cheese. Me and Daddy had one each, it was super!

IN THE CASTLE!

Father claims that this landscape features in a film, so I told them to look 'dramatic'. You can tell mother graduated from drama school, can't you! Father refused. "It wasn't that type of film." he grumbled.

I left them at the market so I could catch a train home. Father enthused greatly about my tour guiding capabilities. “Thank you for showing us around!” he said in a jolly, rumble-tumble sort of way. Mother was slightly more cryptic. “Yes, thank you for trying your best,” she said pleasantly. I chose to take this as a compliment.

I was (unfortunately) back in school bright and early this morning. I did a lesson about extreme sports and explained the difference between the ‘jumping’ and ‘leaping’ through the medium of mime. Turns out they like mime a LOT! They also like it when I read things out and then do a funny face. I then did a class about protests and accidentally showed them a photo with a big protest sign saying “DAVID CAMERON IS A C***”. Unfortunately the sign in the picture did not use cute little starts to disguise the foul language.  I had to very quickly skip to the next slide, which so happened to be the liberal democrat mock election campaign video we made in year 13. For some reason, the students did not seem to enjoy watching this as much as I did. However, I shall leave it here for you – my fans – to truly appreciate. It a nostalgic trip down memory lane, which MIGHT leave a bitter taste in your mouth (not just because of the Scottish accents!!!!)



Papa just text me (being rather wizz on the old mobile telephone). They've landed safely back in the UK and he said a good time was had by all. After I left them, mother apparently bought a new hat which is 'very becoming'. BECOMING WHAT!?!?!? We'll never know! Only four weeks until I’m back in the bosom of Blighty – so pumped! 
xx


Tuesday 20 November 2012

"I WANT YOU IN MY ARMS, INFLAMED WITH PASSION!" -SCORRRRRRRPIA

Saw a sunset on the way home today :o) BECAUSE I WAS WORKING SO LONG THAT NIGHT HAD BEGUN TO FALL WAHHHH!

I’m currently sitting in my spick and span, freshly cleaned flat. My seriously cute landlady employs a seriously cute cleaner. Now, I know people call me over-dramatic. They say, “Sarah, you use too many superlatives. You just exaggerate everything to make your life sound more interesting when really your life is nothing more than living with an old lady and being ignored by stubborn teenagers and eating-yourself-podgy.” Well, screw the haters, okay? I like superlatives and I like capital letters. And my cleaner is THE BEST CLEANER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER!!!  I was at work when she visited today, so I have no idea how she managed to create order from such chaos, but now every single thing I own is in neat, attractively arranged piles. In my imagination, she achieved this with a Mary Poppins/Snow White-esque pirouette around my room, with a bit of help from a friendly bluebird. She even took the packed lunch I made myself and forgotten to take with me to work out of its bag and popped it in the fridge so it was still fresh enough for supper!  I feel a mixture of awe, shame and respect when I think about it.

Ordentlich!

DISCLAIMER : I did actually ‘tidy up’ before she came. I spent about 3 hours ‘tidying up’ but it will probably come to no surprise to you that after ‘tidying up’ my flat looked like most normal people’s flats look like just before they start tidying up.

ANYWAY, now for more vaguely blog worthy exploits:

Yesterday was the end of another long weekend. This long weekend was even more special than usual, for two reasons. Firstly, because it was to celebrate Duke Leopold of Austria, who I am able to reliably inform you kidnapped King Richard the Lion Heart and then trapped him in Lower Austria (which is where I live) (in Lower Austria, not in Duke Leopold’s prison LmFaO-O-o-o-!) (I know this because I once had a starring role in a particularly acclaimed production of ‘Robin Hood’, which was so successfully it actually toured the world.) Secondly, because for some reason all the shops in Amstetten really embraced the opportunity for extra custom and STAYED OPEN all day! Even though it was a bank holiday! *AMAZING* Even my super-duper powerplate class stayed open, and because it was a bank holiday they had a little ‘Open Day’ which mean I got free champagne and salmon nibbles after my session. I even got chatting to some of the middle-aged patrons of the powerplate class and we had a bit of banter.

In the evening I attended my SECOND Kulturwochen event! I was invited to accompany my little old landlady to ‘French Night’.  ‘French Night’ was at a local hotel and involved a pianist and a singer performing famous French songs, as well as French wine and French food and French flags banging around all over the place. We didn’t booked a table, and when we arrived the waitress suggested we sit on one of the free tables round the corner, but this would mean we wouldn’t be able to see the performance, so instead little old landlady just pulled up a chair to the VIP table where the singer’s family and closest friends were sitting, as well as the photographers from the local paper. We had such a good view! Landlady was pissing herself laughing at how cheeky we were. We got some wine and some quiche l’orraine and then we had a pancake and I tried to talk in Spanish with a Peruvian but it was embarrassingly difficult and I got all muddled and though I started the sentences in English they’d meander through some basic English to a little bit of German and then trail into nothing. AWKWARD! Anyway, the quiche was AHHHHHHHHH-mazing. The pancake was also good. My little old landlady especially liked the fact it was soaked in alcohol.

On Friday I went to Vienna. This was amazing because I met some other teaching assistants and we went for a curry. I love curry. I love curry so much, and the curry was so delicious, and the naan bread was so garlicy, and it was a total 10/10. Then we went to an ex-whore-house, which reminded me of how my mother used to live in an ex-whore-house, but  I didn’t mention this because I was scared people would judge me :S :S :S

One of my friends who lives in Vienna (one of MANY friends I happen to have, being so popular and in with the in crowd) recommended we go to the Naschmarkt, SO WE DID! The Naschmarkt is a flea market and it was really, really, really exciting because I found a stall that sold loads of white linen blouses and I bought two. It was my favourite thing I’d done in Vienna UNTIL THAT POINT!! We also went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and all I have to say about that is don’t go. Then we did things like drink sociably and eat burgers and chit chat and mix up an order in a posh brunch restaurant etcetc. I reward the whole Viennese experience a Rachel-Eyre-8/8.


I came home on Sunday because I knew I’d have to spend several hours cleaning the flat in preparation for the cleaner, but then on Monday, like The Real Slim Shady, I was back – back again. This time to go to the State Opera. I’d never been to the opera before and I was a bit apprehensive because the ballet we went to in year 7 was totally D. U. L. L. However, the whole experience was totally like it happens in Pretty Woman, except instead of being accompanied by Richard Greer, I was surrounded by a group of snoozy teenage students in dinner jackets. But the Opera was SO GOOD! It was a lot better than the ballet, which may be because ballet just isn’t for me, or may be because I saw the ballet at The Grand Theatre, Wolverhampton, and I saw the opera in one of the best opera houses in the world. Predictably, the audience clapped lengthily and enthusiastically at every available opportunity. At one point a particularly raucous audience member hollered “BRAVO!” with such good projection that I assumed it was part of the performance. What was also INSANELY COOL was that because of some kind of youth integration thing we not only got the tickets really, really cheap (15 euros for seats in the stalls, which every classy lady knows are the Best Seats) but also got a backstage tour of the opera house and I got to stand on the stage! It’s so beautiful! My American Assistant Friend, whose school we were with, and I were about 350% more excited about the whole thing than any of the students.  I loved it. I want to go back, and be an opera singer, and have a standing ovation, and jump off a tall building but then run around from behind the set for my standing ovation, and wear a wig and stuff.

THAT WAS MA WEEK!!!  I’ll leave you with the incredible exciting news that Mr and Mrs Collings shall be descending upon the capital city in two short days! GOD ONLY KNOWS what the hell is going to happen!

As they say in Austria, 
“Lovely greetings”, Sarah.
xooxo




Sunday 11 November 2012

KULTUR VULTUR!

I got all artsy this week. I went into my wardrobe, found my ‘culture coat’, lurking at the back looking all dusty and forgotten, and I slipped that bad boy on. Because, last night something unexpected, astounding and possible exciting happened: Amstetten launched its ‘Kulturwochen’. Yesterday, with a sheet of music in one hand and some Milka in the other, I cheekily remarked (IN GERMAN) to a new friend of mine (who, may I add, is AUSTRIAN) that “I cannot believe that Amstetten would have a Culture Week!” We pissed ourselves (!) (MADE A JOKE IN GERMAN!)


However, as was said by my personal Austrian idol, Maria Von Trappe, “Let’s start at the very beginning”!!!! (Maria Von Trappe is my idol because she was played a british person. This is like me – I’m in Austria, but I’m a british person).

Last weekend was a long weekend. Austria seems to have a wonderful tradition in Autumn, were every other week there is a bank holiday. Sometimes these fall on Fridays, which is depressing because I have firdays off anyway. This time, it landed on a Thursday. This meant I spent Thursday in bed, apart from when I went to my powerplate class and exercised my right to exercise like Madonna. Then on Friday I took a voyage of discovery to Styria. Styria, I discovered, is a magical part of Austria. They really embrace the Austrian spirit by having a hundred different traditional alcoholic drinks, all of which were presented to me in the form of a series of extremely lethal shots. I stayed with a friend and she was a wonderfull hostess and took me into the mountains were there was snow(!). The views were breathtaking, especially compared to the views in Amstetten. Amstetten has traditional Austrian architecture (big, square yellow houses) but apart from that it could easily be some random town on the M6. Sometimes, it reminds me of Bilston (not NECESSARILY a bad thing…)

Anyway once I got back I was back in Melk, where I had to get up at 5.30 every day in order to get the train. I’m telling you this because it makes me feel very sorry for myself and I want sympathy.

What about Culture Week!?!? I hear you wail, in a desperate attempt to make me quickly reach the point (!!!) Well, three weeks ago a little male teacher in my school came up to me and spoke in very fast German. I did what I always do when this happens, and nodded enthusiastically. On this occasion, nodding enthusiastically resulted in me agreeing to come on a school trip to the theatre. It seems Amstetten has one venue, where everything happens, so the play was in the same place as the ball was.  The play was called “Der Bauer als Millionär”. In a moment of enthusiastic for-thought I asked if I could have the text to read to prepare myself. He gave it to me, but of course I never got past the third page. This meant I understood only the first two minutes of the performance and then it was just a jumble of colours and dancing and confusion. The hall was full of school children which reminded me of when Lily and I went to see Journey's End in Manchester and had to hide from all the school children afterwards because we were crying too much. I don’t have much to say about this play, except that one of the characters was a fairy who had six breasts and at one point an old man sucked on one of the teets. 

THE CULTURE, HOWEVER, DID NOT STOP THERE! My attempts to join the local orchestra had not been as fruitful as I had hoped. However, having met up with a local English teacher she successfully shoe-horned me in. I’m sure my regular fans will be excited to hear that I’m extending my extremely-talented musical wings whilst abroad. I always say, if you have talent like I do, it’s just selfish to keep it to yourself. I was given the part of the cymbal in the final piece (they played a total of seven pieces – it was a long concert.) This was quite easy because I’d already played the piece before. After they’d witnessed my prowess on the cymbal they enthusiastically offered me the part of the triangle on the encoure.  This didn’t go quite as well in rehearsals, but after the performance my fellow percussionist gave me two enthusiastic THUMBS UP(!!!).  The best bit about the whole thing that was after the performance they gave us a 15 euro voucher to use in the Concert Hall restaurant. Being the absolute mental arithmetic badass that I am, I spent exactly 14.90 and got 10 cents change. In hindsight, I probably should have given this 10 cent to the waitress, but hindsight is a wonderful thing! Additionally I was forced to communicate in German with my fellow performers. They were very friendly; a couple of them kept making jokes in German and then laughing uproariously. This gave me a great chance to practice my ‘I understand what you’re saying and also find it funny’ face, which is the face you always pull when you don’t understand what anybody’s saying and therefore don’t find it funny.

Finally, my friends at the Gymnasium (i.e. the school I don’t actually work at who are, in many ways, more friendly than the school I do work at) invited me to come with them to the opera in Vienna. We’re going next Monday and we’ll see Tosca by Puccini (though she told me it was Tosac which apparently caused GREAT AMUSEMENT when I emailed my parents, ho ho ho ho, Sarah doesn’t know Tosca from Tosac she’s so stupid hahah we’ll see who’s laughing when they come and visit and they can only speak pig-latin.) ANYWAY I told my landlady who was truly beside herself with excitement for me – she gets so happy when I do something sociable! She left me some knee high black boots outside my door, because she said I should dress nicely to go the opera, and presumably thinks that evidence suggests I do not have nice enough clothes. She also gave me a bag full of walnuts and, when she couldn’t find a nutcracker (or – my new favourite German word – a NUSSKNACKER!!) she presented me with a huge hammer to open the walnuts. They’re very tasty.

And it’s not just the opera I have to look forwards to! The Amstetten Kulturwochen last for three weeks, and I’m planning to go to everything there is on offer. Some of the events are free (these are ones I’ll definitely go to)! Additionally the other assistant and I have planned an English Stammtisch, which I renamed ENGLISH NIGHT (for marketing reasons) (I stole the name from the Spanish event in Manchester, OKAY? SUE ME.) I’m making a funky poster and I’m going to stick it in my classrooms. I feel very enthusiastic about it, but whether my students will share this enthusiasm is yet to be seen.



OVER AND OUT XOX